Saturday, October 18, 2008

WTF

One of my neighbors is doing some karaoke, and is either drunk, or just super, super bad at karaoke.

The other neighbor is just randomly shouting every few minutes. I am blaming the football game, because that is more comforting to me than the thought of an old guy randomly shouting every few minutes for now reason.

It's times like these when I'm glad I have a vacuum.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Fair warning: this is both unnecessary and moderately gross.

A week ago, I opened my freezer to get some ice. Apparently at some point in the past couple of months, I had put a bottle on top of my fridge just a smidge too close to the front, and every time I opened the freezer door, that bottle of creme de menthe was slowly, slowly coming closer to toppling. And this time, it finally came down.

As I watched this bottle fall, in stupidly slow motion, I realized that I had no shoes on, and being barefoot in a room full of broken glass would be a terrible way to spend my Sunday. So I reached out a foot and tried to slow it down.

This is what I tell myself now, at least, because it's a better reason for me to leave a foot in the way, or something. I caught the bottle with the big toe on my left foot.

No lie, it hurt a lot. I used roughly three languages worth of swears, then put a bag of ice on it and whined occasionally over the next week. The nail turned an unpleasant purple color, and I figured that would be that.

This evening I noticed that the front of the nail was leaking. Curious, I put my foot in my lap to take a look at it, craned my head down, and gingerly touched the top of the nail.

It... squirted at me. The top of my toenail turned into a squirt gun of week old blood and clear sticky shit. It squirted me IN MY FACE.

After I had washed four times and finished going "BLAAAAARG," I reflected that this must be what it's like to be a French woman in a horror film.

Now that the nailbed is empty, when I push down on the top of my toenail it makes a rodent-like squeaking noise. It's adorable smallness does not make up for the earlier disgust, but it's a step in the right direction.